Celibacy? Drum roll please...........

What's going on with the celibacy thing?....drum roll please.......it has come to an end...or had come to an end. I am back in the same place although not by choice.

I made it to 14 months...yep and you all know I was holding out for someone wonderful. Did that happen? It did momentarily. He was everything I needed at the time. Unfortunately, things didn't work out...but we won't dwell on the negative, instead let me tell you that the sex was off the hook. It's funny you sometimes forget what you are missing out on when you've gone so long without something...I was so missing out. But, it was different this time...it wasn't some random mean nothing guy...it was someone who captured my mind first and then my heart.

I have to tell you though that the first time was hard...I was drinking a little and we were in the hot tub. I knew I wanted to do it...but I had placed such a big expectation on myself to not have sex that when I did...I felt horrible. The sex part was great but the emotions that went along with it were fucking insane. I felt guilty...I felt like I had let myself down...I even cried right there in the hot tub. It was crazy...I wanted it...I cared about this person but it really messed with me for a few minutes. I got over it quickly needless to say.

I am no longer on a quest for celibacy...but I have to tell you that I am going to continue to hold out for that special someone. I deserve it...although I have to tell you tonight I could really go for some forceful, hard, hot sex....yes right about now that sounds like exactly what the doctor ordered. Call me Dr. D.

Mission Accomplished!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, on July 13th @ midnight I celebrated one year of celibacy.

CELIBACY
–noun

1.	abstention from sexual relations.

2.	abstention by vow from marriage: the celibacy of priests.

3.	the state of being unmarried.

Abstention from sexual relations...everyone wants to know why...well I thought I would take the celebration of my one year of celibacy to really explain...just who I am and why this has become so important to me. This year of no sex didn't start out as a vow of celibacy...I was just a woman tired of being used by men. I hated waking up the day after having sex with some guy and feeling bad about myself. Beating myself up because deep inside I knew I didn't want to do it...but I just couldn't say no. The last few times I had sex were just that...I actually had an experience where I told the guy no, over and over again...and he fucking whined like a little bitch until I just said, "Fine just do it!" Who would really be interested in having sex with someone who didn't want to have it with them? So, he did his thing...and I just laid there...I was his real life blow up doll...I did not participate at all. I was disgusted...I felt so violated. I couldn't wait to get the fuck out of there. (the reason I didn't leave sooner is I was drunk and could not drive). And then my last experience was better but much of the same...I really did want to do it...but it just was painful and I wasn't "ready". I woke up the next morning and got the fuck outta there...and then I beat myself up.

Now, don't get me wrong I don't believe you have to be in a committed relationship to have good sex...but I have done all the bullshit and really...the best sex I have had(and I have had some amazing sex) I at least had a form of a relationship with the guy. Maybe not a committed one but there was an established friendship or some sort of level of trust. So, I made it to a year and then I had a week left in Vegas to do what I thought was going to end up being some crazy sex. But, I thought about it and this celibacy thing feels pretty good...I haven't felt bad the next day in over a year. I haven't felt pressured...I really like where I am in this venture. I think I am going to wait for someone special...it's my time. If you are out there...I am waiting for you.

Now...after you read my next blog you aren't going to believe I am still on my quest...I saw some wild shit in Vegas...I mean stuff you don't see in just a normal day. I went out the the World Famous Red Rooster...yes I have some crazy stories...stay tuned.

Pondering thoughts of my "mission"

So, those of you that read this blog know that I have not had sex for almost one year...as that anniversary fast approaches...I start to wonder...how long can a woman actually hold out? In 18 days I will have gone a full year without the touch of a man. Who am I kidding? I mean yes it became a fun thing to do after I had held out for so long...because eventually not having it ,turned into not wanting it quite so much...and that is when the "mission" was born. But, I sit here thinking about the point of this mission...what it turned into for me. Yes I would love nothing more than to find something more meaningful than a roll in the hay...but I think about how long it's actually been since I had something more meaningful than that...and I'm not going to abstain from sex for umpteen years! And with that I am contemplating how I plan on spending this one year anniversary of not having sex...will I continue down this path of resistance....or do I celebrate riding a nice hard cock? I know right now the latter of the two sounds sooooooo much better.

July 13th is the big day...funny when I typed out that date I realized that was the month and day that I lost my virginity. Of course that was much earlier in my life...it was a Friday the 13th actually and it was close to 20 years ago. At the time it felt like a Friday the 13th...not a pleasant experience...but alas...the same day as my anniversary falls on. I will be in Vegas on the anniversary of this abstinence...I will be drinking to my sex life's non-eventful year. I will be partying with good friends...and who knows what will happen...it will be interesting to write this blog after I get back from 10 days in Vegas. Can I withstand? Will I even want to? It's going to be tough...but I am going to give myself a break...if I decide to spend sometime with a lucky guy and we get lucky...I won't beat myself up because of this damn "mission". And maybe if it comes down to it...I will realize how liberating this mission has been for me, and tell my hormones that they need to chill. Maybe I can hold off...we will see I suppose.